Tomorrow is the big day and a full range of emotions and thoughts have flooded my mind this evening, I don't know how I will possibly sleep. I took some pictures of Collin's hands tonight so we would have some before and after pictures to look at after he has his cast removed. In a strange way there is something sad about changing his hands. I remember when he was born and we we took him to Scottish Rite when he was only 3 weeks old I worried that they wouldn't be able to do anything for Collin's hands. Now 16 months later I am sitting here the night before his surgery and apart of me is sad that we are going to change him. I am sure that sounds strange and ironic but it is just part of the mixture of feelings I am experiencing at the moment. For the past two weeks people have been asking me if I was nervous for Collin's surgery. In the beggining I would say "yes, a little bit" but the more I prayed about it the more I felt like God was speaking to me about my feelings and emotions about Collin's surgery. Any mother feels worry, anxiety, and fear to trust thier child into the care of surgeons and nurses your barely know. I felt like I should be worried, I should be fearful, I should be anxious! And don't get me wrong my flesh would love to embrace these feelings and emotions but my God says something else. HE says:
Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God, And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phillipians 4:6-7
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust, I will not be afraid.
Psalms 56:3
So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isiah 41:10
I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
Pslam 34:4
Do not worry..........
Matthew 6:21
For God has not given you a spirit of fear , but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.
2 Thessolonians 3:16
Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we Trust in the name of our Lord our God.
Pslam 20:7
Over the past few weeks as I have prayed and sought God about tomorrow, I felt like he addressed this issue the most. As a mother I have every right to be anxious, nervous, fearful, and worried. But as a believer in Jesus Christ I am called to walk in trust, to lay my anxieties and fears at his feet, and recieve the peace that only He can bring. My mind would love to wonder tonight. Wonder about what ifs and risks and the terrifying thought of handing my baby over but I am trying to meditate on the scriptures above and hold onto the promises of the awesome God I serve.
A couple of weeks ago a good friend of mine said that she had been reading some scripture that she wanted me to read. She said that these scriptures were about hands and she felt like they would be encouraging for me. I was anxious to get home and read what she was referring too. When I got home I quickly opened up my bible to Mark 3:1 and this is what I began to read:
And He entered the synagogue again, and a man was there who had a withered hand. 2 So they watched Him closely, whether He would heal him on the Sabbath, so that they might accuse Him. 3 And He said to the man who had the withered hand, “Step forward.” 4 Then He said to them, “Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they kept silent. 5 And when He had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored as whole as the other.
WOW, right? I have read several incidents of healing in the bible but I don't think I have ever read this one in particular. How cool is it that my God is a God that restores hands. What hope I have found in these scriptures. Since Collin was born, I never considered him as a case for healing. After all, the doctors claimed his condition permanent. They told me that the most they could do was smoothe out some of the scar tissue to improve fuction and looks but they couldn't replace missing bones or form finger nails on his nubby fingers. I believe that the God of the bible is the same God of today and if he restored hands to whole then, I believe he can restore hands to whole today! I don't believe that we can tell God what to do, but I do believe we can ask. I believe that God is able to grow bones, form fingernails, and lengthen fingers and I am asking God to begin a restoration in Collin's hands. Whether that be through surgeries, time, or miraculously I know that he is able. What I don't know is God's BIG plan, I can only see the small piece in front of me. I don't know if God has plans to reveal himself through healing Collin supernaturally or if he will recieve more glory through Collin walking out this journey of having different hands. Whatever God's plan is, it will not change my faith, it will not change the goodness of God, it will not change how much we know God loves Collin. But we know that he is able and we are asking that tomorrow would be the beggining of restoration to Collin's hands. I ask that you would stand in agreement with us and pray for restoration for our precious baby.
We will be admitting Collin to Texas Scottish Rite Hospital at 5:00am. His surgery is scheduled for 8:00am and is expected to be over some time aroudn 10:00am. Here are some specific ways you can be praying for us:
1. Please pray that God would command his angels concerning Collin to guard him during surgery. (Pslam 91:11)
2. Please pray for Dr. Oishi, the nurses, anethesiologist, and every one else on the surgery team. Pray that they would have supernatural rest, that the Lord would guide their hands, and give them wisdom as they work on Collin's hands.
3. Please pray that God would wash us in his peace!
4. Please pray that Collin would respond well to anesthesia without getting sick.
5. Please pray that every nerve and tendon would be protected as they reconstuct Collin's hand.
6. Please pray he would adjust well to his cast.
Thank you so much for all the love, support, and prayers! Keep checking for an update, I will blog sometime tomorrow after surgery!
Showing posts with label A Mother's Heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A Mother's Heart. Show all posts
September 16, 2010
August 27, 2010
God works in amazing ways!
It is always amazing to me how God works in ways that you could have never imaged, how he uses people you would have never thought he would use, how situations work themselves out and sometimes you see a glimpse of the reason behind it. God did some of those amazing things this week and I am so grateful. God's ways, ideas, and plans are always better than ours. It makes since to Him when it doesn't to us, he see the entire picture when we only see a piece. God can use people in your life to encourage you that you never thought he would, he can take painful circumstances and use them to reveal himself. I'm grateful that I serve a God who knows more than me, who knows whats is best for me more than I do, who sees the whole picture, who works all things together for good, who amazes me daily with how he works things out in our life. It has been a good week for me, God has been moving on my heart and I have heard him speak. I believe God speaks, maybe I can hear him now, because I started listening!
May 26, 2010
Calling me out of Comfort!
Last Monday I received an email from the director of our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. Every year the last meeting of the year is called Tea and Testimony. (which I'm not sure why since we don't serve tea :) It's a time where a few of the moms share what MOPS has meant to them or what God has been doing in their lives the last year. My first year in MOPS was the year that Hub's and I had such breakthrough in our marriage and in our personal relationships with Christ. I was ask to speak about what an amazing work God had done in our marriage and I was happy to do so. This year I was asked to speak again but not on something I ever wanted to talk about publicly. I was asked to talk about the journey I have been on with Collin. I told our director that I didn't feel like I was ready to do that because I still have a hard time with it most of the time. She said she understood but thought it would be great if I would share. I put it off and didn't really give her an answer. I got really distracted last week with a bunch of stuff going on so I had pushed it to the back of my mind. As much as I tried to ignore the request that had been made God did not. I felt like he was really calling me to speak. More for myself than for anyone else. I have had so much anxiety over other people's reactions to Collin's hands. It it something that I have never felt before but it has been really difficult for me and the thought of publicly bringing attention to Collin's syndrome was frightening to me. I knew that God was telling me this was the first step in overcoming this anxiety but I would have preferred to sit at my table and hear everyone else speak. Most of the women within my own table didn't even know about Collin's hands. I was obedient to what the Lord had told me and through tears, fear, and anxiety I told my story about Collin's birth! It's really long so it won't offend me if you don't want to read it. I just wanted it to be on the blog so as people who don't know about Collin read they might have a better understanding to what the journey has been like for me!
At the end of MOPS last year I was 9 months pregnant with my second son Collin. I had been having a completely healthy normal pregnancy and we were excited for baby number 2. With Carter I had to have a C-section and it was not the best experience. I was so drugged that I don’t even remember seeing him so it felt as if everyone else got to see him first. This go round our doctor was confident that I would be able to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). We prayed that everything would work out so that I would be able to have the delivery I so hoped for. Around 33 weeks we found out that Collin was transverse (meaning laying sideways). At the following appointments Collin continued to shock our Dr with all his turning so late on in the pregnancy. He went form transverse, to breech, to head down, to breech again within weeks. I was so disappointed because I knew that this would mean we would have to do another c-section. My girlfriends and I continued to pray that Collin would turn head down by delivery.
Mother’s day weekend I began having contractions. It was hard for me to believe that is was really labor because it was still 2 1/2 weeks before my due date, After 2 days of having on and off contractions things finally picked up and we went to the hospital at 2am. On the drive there I was sure that I would have to have a c-section and I was not very happy about it. The nurse came in to check me and said “Mam, I think we have a head down here.” After doing an ultrasound to confirm it, sure enough Collin had turned again and he was head down and ready to go. We were so grateful for this answered prayer. After 20 hours of labor it was finally time to push. My epidural had worn off but through the pain I was still so excited to hold my sweet baby boy.
With only a few pushes there he was laying on my chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt his warm breath against my skin. It was precious, sweet, and will always be etched on my heart. Within seconds they took him to the isolate to clean him up. My husband and I shared a moment of grins, kisses, and tears and we soaked in the joy of bringing our son into the world. Several minutes went by and I started to notice all the nurses migrate to Collin's side. I just assumed this was the norm since I had never had a vaginal delivery before. My OB finished up with me and he too joined the others at Collin's side.
I waited anxiously for him to be placed in my arms. My OB was holding Collin and began to walk toward me with a blank stare that looked like a mixture of sadness and shock. Not how you would expect your Dr. to look as he brings you your brand new baby. He began to tell me that something was wrong with Collin's hands. Everything that came out of his mouth from that point forward sounded like a foreign language. At one point I cut him off mid sentence and said “Would you please just give me my baby!” That was the first time I saw Collin's hands. I felt like someone shattered my heart like a piece of glass and all the oxygen was being sucked from my lungs. I remember asking the DR. “Is this permanent?” I was in such shock that I couldn’t begin to process what had just happened!
Collin was born with Amniotic Band Syndrome. What the heck is that, right? That is exactly what I thought! ABS is when the lining of the amniotic sack ruptures causing fibrous strands to float around the baby. Collin's hands got tangled within those strands causing 2 fingers to be underdeveloped and scarring on the other fingers and his wrist from the ABS. In English, it is as if rubber bands get tied around the limbs and digits.
I laid there in shock and devastation. I remember holding Collin as close to me as possible and sobbing uncontrollably as a room full of nurses and doctors became the spectators of my grief. You never expect something to be wrong with your child. And if there is something, you expect them to find it before they are born. Those moments were not so sweet as I tried to some how comprehend what they had told us. I instantly went into Mama Bear or protective mode. I didn't want anyone to see or know. Not because I was embarrassed, but because I didn't want him to be gawked at. I wanted his birth to be a time of celebration not a Q&A panel or an opportunity to check out his hands. I wanted everyone to see his precious face. So we waited to announce his arrival to all the family and friends that had been waiting in the waiting room. And we just took a few moments to grieve for our precious baby's hands that were permanently deformed. I don't know that a heart can ever hurt as much as when it aches for your child. My heart hurt so bad that night as I thought about my baby's hands. I grieved for those missing parts, I grieved knowing some little kid would one day make fun of him, I grieve for all the "well meaning" responses/stares he would receive, I grieve for the thought that Collin would have to struggle for one second, and as a Mother, it broke my heart.
I heard the lullaby go off in the hall signally that Collin had been born. I knew we had friends and family in the waiting room anxious to meet him. Before I knew it my room had filled with our friends and family. My face was covered with mascara, I was exhausted, and in shock. I simply said “There is something wrong with Collin's hands and we are not going to make a deal of it!”
After everyone left that night sadness overwhelmed me. I felt like I had been dropped off on a strange planet. I was scared, confused, and felt the quilt of having a child with a physical difference. I had a nursery nurse bring Collin in to feed and she said, “Did you see his hands? Are they going to amputate his finger?” I remember starring at her in utter disbelief. Of course I have seen them, he is my baby. The insensitivity fueled all my emotions. The days to follow weren’t any better as we planned Collin's appointment to Scottish Rites Children’s Hospital and dealt with trying to explain to everyone that came to visit us what had happened. I was sad, extra sensitive, angry, confused, and really pissy for the next couple weeks. I was mad because I wanted to enjoy my newborn not plan his trip to a childrens hospital in Dallas and spend my energy trying to come to grips with what had happened.
But as my head began to clear from the fog and the hormones ;) , I began to realize that God had not left me alone in that delivery room. He had not abandoned me, he had not forgot about my child in the womb, he had saved my son’s life. God promises in John 1:5 As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
ABS is fatal is great percentage of babies that are affected by it because they can get these bands tangled around there heads or stomach. Many children loose legs and arms. Others it caused clubfeet or cleft pallete. Remember those summersaults Collin was doing the last weeks of my pregnancy? God gave me an image of his hands twisting and turning Collin out of the bands the last weeks of my pregnancy to untangle him from the bands that could have killed him. Our pediatrician also informed us that had I carried Collin to my due date not only would she have been out of town but most likely Collin would have lost his left hand due to the bands being so restricted on his wrist. Weeks before, I had picked Psalm 139:14 to be painted over Collin's bed. It says I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I picked this before I knew what was in store for Collin, but God knew. These things were not coincidence. These things were the hand of God. I could not see all of this in the midst of my tragedy and heartache but God’s hand was moving even when I didn’t see it.
I’m not quite sure how God is going to get the glory through our journey with Collin but I believe he will. In John 9 chapter 1 Jesus is talking about a blind man. The disciples asked Jesus “Rabbi”, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.
I still have really hard days dealing with it all. I remember filling out his baby book and seeing a place for his hand prints. I just closed the book and fell to pieces. That day was hard but now Collin's sweet hand prints are in his baby book and it doesn’t make me quite so sad. The hardest part has been the anxiety I feel over other people’s reactions and comments. I am seeking the Lord in all these situations. Like when the checker at HEB shouts “OMG what happened to his hands?” and continues to say poor thing he won’t be able to play an instrument”I wanted to scream “he is missing part of his fingers just like you are obviously missing part of your brian!” (I didn’t say that and I am aware that that isn’t a very Christlike response, that’s just how I felt!) and then the nosy mother/daughter duo behind me who peak their heads around to see for themselves. I rush to my car just in time to fall apart in the front seat before anyone sees me! These days are the hard days and I am trusting in the Lord to equip me to handle these situations in a way that brings him glory and teaches Collin that it IS ok. And I will have new struggles to deal with as we prepare for Collin's surgeries this fall and more in the years to come. I don’t’ really know how to prepare emotionally to hand my one year old over for surgery. This is another on of those hard things that I will have to walk out.
I have struggled with quilt, with anxiety, with fear, with sadness, and I am not out of the trenches yet. And for a season I think I didn’t talk about with the Lord because I didn’t want him to tell me how to deal with it. I wanted to deal with it however I wanted too. But he can’t receive glory if I handle it my own way. I have to vulnerable and let him teach me his ways so that he can be glorified. I am trusting God that his glory is going to be revealed through this. I know that God is God and God is good no matter what our personal tragedies are. He is still good! Pslam 136:1 says Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.
August 3, 2009
Welcome to Holland
| When we took Collin to Scottish Rites in June his doctor gave me a packet of information and this poem was enclosed. I believe it was originally written for a child with downs syndrome but I believe any mother who has had a child with any disability or difference can relate. Welcome to Holland I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland. by Emily Perl Kingsley I read this poem and I wanted to scream "YES"! Yes, that is it, Yes, that is exactly what it feels like. It's not that it is horrible, just unexpected and quite heartbreaking because you love your child so much! So, here we are, settling in Holland. The questions and confused stares have become our new kind of normal. There is the woman who blurts out "Oh my, what happened to his fingers?" to the curious old lady who stares uncontrollably dying inside to ask but doesn't. The ladies who say "Aww..look at those fat rolls on his wrist." and I giggle inside and say "yeah". (there not fat rolls, they are scars from the bands) The child that checks his fingers out every time she sees him and apologizes that he has "owie's" on his hands. I'm learning not to lash out at them in my mother bear kind of reaction but instead to take the opportunity to share with them how much we have felt God's love through this and how we know that God has great plans for Collin despite his hand differences. Picking the fuzzies out of his creases on his fingers and wrist has become normal. They seem to be great places to collect lint. ;) Being overjoyed when he grips my finger has become normal. Who knew such a simple task would bring such joy? Those are the little things I would have taken for granted before. So as crazy as it sounds, his ABS is a blessing. I have met wonderful mothers and precious children through this experience that I would never have met otherwise. I have look forward to everything that God has to teach us through this baby boy of ours. |
June 18, 2009
Psalm 139:14
I praise you God, for Collin is fearfully and wonderfully made! Psalm 139:14
These hands will.......
Grasp onto my finger
Hold my hand as he takes his first steps
Cover his eyes to play peek-a-boo
Hold his brother's hand as they walk across the street
Hold my hand as he takes his first steps
Cover his eyes to play peek-a-boo
Hold his brother's hand as they walk across the street
These hands will.......
Fold together to pray at night
Be raised high to praise his God
Shake the hand of a stranger
Salute a soldier
These hands will........
Wear a ring on his wedding day
Hold my grandbabies
These hands were created beautifully because they were created by
THE CREATOR!
June 12, 2009
Collin is 1 Month Old
Collin
One Month Old
Wow, How blessed am I.
As I sit down to type tonight my shoulder aches from carrying a baby around all day, my eyes are heavy from being up all night nursing, the laundry is overflowing, and still I know that this is such a honor to be the mother of these children. I look forward to teaching them about Jesus and training them in his ways. I have days that feel so overwhelming and frustrating. Like when Carter decides to go poo-poo in his pants 5 minutes after we sat on the potty for 30, or when Collin has eaten, been changed, and still I can't calm him from crying, or when in the 20 minutes I'm nursing Cartre can destroy everything in his path. But I wouldn't change it. Instead I reflect on
Wow, How blessed am I.
You hear from people who are done raising their children that looking back it was the best time in their life. Not only have I heard this from other mothers but I feel like God has specifically spoke this to my heart. He has said to me over and over "Natalie, this is the best time of your life!" Being young and newly married, fixing up our first home, and having babies, I know that I will look back on even my most difficult days as a wife and a mother and smile because I do believe this is one of the greatest times in my life. I try to tell myself that daily and take advantage of every moment I have to make memories with my boys.
Wow, How blessed am I.
So I'm going to retire for tonight and go up stairs and kiss Carter goodnight (who is cuddled up with every stuffed animal he owns in his bed) and go rock my baby Collin to sleep (he doesn't like to self soothe ;)!
Wow, How blessed am I.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)