Please Pray!

Tomorrow is the big day and a full range of emotions and thoughts have flooded my mind this evening, I don't know how I will possibly sleep. I took some pictures of Collin's hands tonight so we would have some before and after pictures to look at after he has his cast removed. In a strange way there is something sad about changing his hands. I remember when he was born and we we took him to Scottish Rite when he was only 3 weeks old I worried that they wouldn't be able to do anything for Collin's hands. Now 16 months later I am sitting here the night before his surgery and apart of me is sad that we are going to change him. I am sure that sounds strange and ironic but it is just part of the mixture of feelings I am experiencing at the moment. For the past two weeks people have been asking me if I was nervous for Collin's surgery. In the beggining I would say "yes, a little bit" but the more I prayed about it the more I felt like God was speaking to me about my feelings and emotions about Collin's surgery. Any mother feels worry, anxiety, and fear to trust thier child into the care of surgeons and nurses your barely know. I felt like I should be worried, I should be fearful, I should be anxious! And don't get me wrong my flesh would love to embrace these feelings and emotions but my God says something else. HE says:

Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition present your requests to God, And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
                                                                                                             Phillipians 4:6-7

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise,  in God I trust, I will not be afraid.
                                                                                                              Psalms 56:3

So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
                                                                                                              Isiah 41:10

I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
                                                                                                              Pslam 34:4

Do not worry..........
                                    Matthew 6:21

For God has not given you a spirit of fear , but of power, of love, and of a sound mind.
                                                                                                              2 Timothy 1:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
                                                                            1 Peter 5:7

Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way.
                                                                                                              2 Thessolonians 3:16

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we Trust in the name of our Lord our God.
                                                                                                              Pslam 20:7

Over the past few weeks as I have prayed and sought God about tomorrow, I felt like he addressed this issue the most. As a mother I have every right to be anxious, nervous, fearful, and worried. But as a believer in Jesus Christ I am called to walk in trust, to lay my anxieties and fears at his feet, and recieve the peace that only He can bring. My mind would love to wonder tonight. Wonder about what ifs and risks and the terrifying thought of handing my baby over but I am trying to meditate on the scriptures above and hold onto the promises of the awesome God I serve.

A couple of weeks ago a good friend of mine said that she had been reading some scripture that she wanted me to read. She said that these scriptures were about hands and she felt like they would be encouraging for me. I was anxious to get home and read what she was referring too. When I got home I quickly opened up my bible to Mark 3:1 and this is what I began to read:

 And He entered the synagogue again, and a man was there who had a withered hand. ² So they watched Him closely, whether He would heal him on the Sabbath, so that they might accuse Him. ³ And He said to the man who had the withered hand, “Step forward.” ⁴ Then He said to them, “Is it lawful on the Sabbath to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they kept silent. ⁵ And when He had looked around at them with anger, being grieved by the hardness of their hearts, He said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” And he stretched it out, and his hand was restored as whole as the other.

WOW, right? I have read several incidents of healing in the bible but I don't think I have ever read this one in particular. How cool is it that my God is a God that restores hands. What hope I have found in these scriptures. Since Collin was born, I never considered him as a case for healing. After all, the doctors claimed his condition permanent. They told me that the most they could do was smoothe out some of the scar tissue to improve fuction and looks but they couldn't replace missing bones or form finger nails on his nubby fingers. I believe that the God of the bible is the same God of today and if he restored hands to whole then,  I believe he can restore hands to whole today! I don't believe that we can tell God what to do, but I do believe we can ask. I believe that God is able to grow bones, form fingernails, and lengthen fingers and I am asking God to begin a restoration in Collin's hands. Whether that be through surgeries, time, or miraculously I know that he is able. What I don't know is God's BIG plan, I can only see the small piece in front of me. I don't know if God has plans to reveal himself through healing Collin supernaturally or if he will recieve more glory through Collin walking out this journey of having different hands. Whatever God's plan is, it will not change my faith, it will not change the goodness of God, it will not change how much we know God loves Collin. But we know that he is able and we are asking that tomorrow would be the beggining of restoration to Collin's hands. I ask that you would stand in agreement with us and pray for restoration for our precious baby.

We will be admitting Collin to Texas Scottish Rite Hospital at 5:00am. His surgery is scheduled for 8:00am and is expected to be over some time aroudn 10:00am. Here are some specific ways you can be praying for us:

1. Please pray that God would command his angels concerning Collin to guard him during surgery. (Pslam 91:11)

2. Please pray for Dr. Oishi, the nurses, anethesiologist, and every one else on the surgery team. Pray that they would have supernatural rest, that the Lord would guide their hands, and give them wisdom as they work on Collin's hands.

3. Please pray that God would wash us in his peace!

4. Please pray that Collin would respond well to anesthesia without getting sick.

5. Please pray that every nerve and tendon would be protected as they reconstuct Collin's hand.

6. Please pray he would adjust well to his cast.

Thank you so much for all the love, support, and prayers! Keep checking for an update, I will blog sometime tomorrow after surgery!

Calling me out of Comfort!

Last Monday I received an email from the director of our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. Every year the last meeting of the year is called Tea and Testimony. (which I'm not sure why since we don't serve tea :) It's a time where a few of the moms share what MOPS has meant to them or what God has been doing in their lives the last year. My first year in MOPS was the year that Hub's and I had such breakthrough in our marriage and in our personal relationships with Christ. I was ask to speak about what an amazing work God had done in our marriage and I was happy to do so. This year I was asked to speak again but not on something I ever wanted to talk about publicly. I was asked to talk about the journey I have been on with Collin. I told our director that I didn't feel like I was ready to do that because I still have a hard time with it most of the time. She said she understood but thought it would be great if I would share. I put it off and didn't really give her an answer. I got really distracted last week with a bunch of stuff going on so I had pushed it to the back of my mind. As much as I tried to ignore the request that had been made God did not. I felt like he was really calling me to speak. More for myself than for anyone else. I have had so much anxiety over other people's reactions to Collin's hands. It it something that I have never felt before but it has been really difficult for me and the thought of publicly bringing attention to Collin's syndrome was frightening to me.  I knew that God was telling me this was the first step in overcoming this anxiety but I would have preferred to sit at my table and hear everyone else speak. Most of the women within my own table didn't even know about Collin's hands. I was obedient to what the Lord had told me and through tears, fear, and anxiety I told my story about Collin's birth! It's really long so it won't offend me if you don't want to read it. I just wanted it to be on the blog so as people who don't know about Collin read they might have a better understanding to what the journey has been like for me!

            At the end of MOPS last year I was 9 months pregnant with my second son Collin. I had been having a completely healthy normal pregnancy and we were excited for baby number 2. With Carter I had to have a C-section and it was not the best experience. I was so drugged that I don’t even remember seeing him so it felt as if everyone else got to see him first. This go round our doctor was confident that I would be able to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). We prayed that everything would work out so that I would be able to have the delivery I so hoped for. Around 33 weeks we found out that Collin was transverse (meaning laying sideways). At the following appointments Collin continued to shock our Dr with all his turning so late on in the pregnancy. He went form transverse, to breech, to head down, to breech again within weeks. I was so disappointed because I knew that this would mean we would have to do another c-section. My girlfriends and I continued to pray that Collin would turn head down by delivery.

         Mother’s day weekend I began having contractions. It was hard for me to believe that is was really labor because it was still 2 1/2 weeks before my due date, After 2 days of having on and off contractions things finally picked up and we went to the hospital at 2am. On the drive there I was sure that I would have to have a c-section and I was not very happy about it. The nurse came in to check me and said “Mam, I think we have a head down here.” After doing an ultrasound to confirm it, sure enough Collin had turned again and he was head down and ready to go. We were so grateful for this answered prayer.  After 20 hours of labor it was finally time to push. My epidural had worn off but through the pain I was still so excited to hold my sweet baby boy.

         With only a few pushes there he was laying on my chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt his warm breath against my skin. It was precious, sweet, and will always be etched on my heart. Within seconds they took him to the isolate to clean him up. My husband and I shared a moment of grins, kisses, and tears and we soaked in the joy of bringing our son into the world. Several minutes went by and I started to notice all the nurses migrate to Collin's side. I just assumed this was the norm since I had never had a vaginal delivery before. My OB finished up with me and he too joined the others at Collin's side.

         I waited anxiously for him to be placed in my arms. My OB was holding Collin and began to walk toward me with a blank stare that looked like a mixture of sadness and shock. Not how you would expect your Dr. to look as he brings you your brand new baby. He began to tell me that something was wrong with Collin's hands. Everything that came out of his mouth from that point forward sounded like a foreign language. At one point I cut him off mid sentence and said “Would you please just give me my baby!” That was the first time I saw Collin's hands. I felt like someone shattered my heart like a piece of glass and all the oxygen was being sucked from my lungs. I remember asking the DR. “Is this permanent?” I was in such shock that I couldn’t begin to process what had just happened!

         Collin was born with Amniotic Band Syndrome. What the heck is that, right? That is exactly what I thought! ABS is when the lining of the amniotic sack ruptures causing fibrous strands to float around the baby. Collin's hands got tangled within those strands causing 2 fingers to be underdeveloped and scarring on the other fingers and his wrist from the ABS. In English, it is as if rubber bands get tied around the limbs and digits.

         I laid there in shock and devastation. I remember holding Collin as close to me as possible and sobbing uncontrollably as a room full of nurses and doctors became the spectators of my grief. You never expect something to be wrong with your child. And if there is something, you expect them to find it before they are born. Those moments were not so sweet as I tried to some how comprehend what they had told us. I instantly went into Mama Bear or protective mode. I didn't want anyone to see or know. Not because I was embarrassed, but because I didn't want him to be gawked at. I wanted his birth to be a time of celebration not a Q&A panel or an opportunity to check out his hands. I wanted everyone to see his precious face. So we waited to announce his arrival to all the family and friends that had been waiting in the waiting room. And we just took a few moments to grieve for our precious baby's hands that were permanently deformed. I don't know that a heart can ever hurt as much as when it aches for your child. My heart hurt so bad that night as I thought about my baby's hands. I grieved for those missing parts, I grieved knowing some little kid would one day make fun of him, I grieve for all the "well meaning" responses/stares he would receive, I grieve for the thought that Collin would have to struggle for one second, and as a Mother, it broke my heart.

         I heard the lullaby go off in the hall signally that Collin had been born. I knew we had friends and family in the waiting room anxious to meet him. Before I knew it my room had filled with our friends and family. My face was covered with mascara, I was exhausted, and in shock. I simply said “There is something wrong with Collin's hands and we are not going to make a deal of it!”

         After everyone left that night sadness overwhelmed me. I felt like I had been dropped off on a strange planet. I was scared, confused, and felt the quilt of having a child with a physical difference. I had a nursery nurse bring Collin in to feed and she said, “Did you see his hands? Are they going to amputate his finger?” I remember starring at her in utter disbelief. Of course I have seen them, he is my baby. The insensitivity fueled all my emotions. The days to follow weren’t any better as we planned Collin's appointment to Scottish Rites Children’s Hospital and dealt with trying to explain to everyone that came to visit us what had happened. I was sad, extra sensitive, angry, confused, and really pissy for the next couple weeks. I was mad because I wanted to enjoy my newborn not plan his trip to a childrens hospital in Dallas and spend my energy trying to come to grips with what had happened.  

         But as my head began to clear from the fog and the hormones ;) , I began to realize that God had not left me alone in that delivery room. He had not abandoned me, he had not forgot about my child in the womb, he had saved my son’s life. God promises in John 1:5 As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

         ABS is fatal is great percentage of babies that are affected by it because they can get these bands tangled around there heads or stomach. Many children loose legs and arms. Others it caused clubfeet or cleft pallete. Remember those summersaults Collin was doing the last weeks of my pregnancy? God gave me an image of his hands twisting and turning Collin out of the bands the last weeks of my pregnancy to untangle him from the bands that could have killed him. Our pediatrician also informed us that had I carried Collin to my due date not only would she have been out of town but most likely Collin would have lost his left hand due to the bands being so restricted on his wrist. Weeks before, I had picked Psalm 139:14 to be painted over Collin's  bed. It says I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I picked this before I knew what was in store for Collin, but God knew. These things were not coincidence. These things were the hand of God. I could not see all of this in the midst of my tragedy and heartache but God’s hand was moving even when I didn’t see it.

         I’m not quite sure how God is going to get the glory through our journey with Collin but I believe he will. In John 9 chapter 1 Jesus is talking about a blind man. The disciples asked Jesus “Rabbi”, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

         I still have really hard days dealing with it all. I remember filling out his baby book and seeing a place for his hand prints. I just closed the book and fell to pieces. That day was hard but now Collin's sweet hand prints are in his baby book and it doesn’t make me quite so sad. The hardest part has been the anxiety I feel over other people’s reactions and comments. I am seeking the Lord in all these situations. Like when the checker at HEB shouts “OMG what happened to his hands?” and continues to say poor thing he won’t be able to play an instrument”I wanted to scream “he is missing part of his fingers just like you are obviously missing part of your brian!”  (I didn’t say that and I am aware that that isn’t a very Christlike response, that’s just how I felt!) and then the nosy mother/daughter duo behind me who peak their heads around to see for themselves. I rush to my car just in time to fall apart in the front seat before anyone sees me! These days are the hard days and I am trusting in the Lord to equip me to handle these situations in a way that brings him glory and teaches Collin that it IS ok. And I will have new struggles to deal with as we prepare for Collin's surgeries this fall and more in the years to come. I don’t’ really know how to prepare emotionally to hand my one year old over for surgery. This is another on of those hard things that I will have to walk out.

        

I have struggled with quilt, with anxiety, with fear, with sadness, and I am not out of the trenches yet. And for a season I think I didn’t talk about with the Lord because I didn’t want him to tell me how to deal with it. I wanted to deal with it however I wanted too. But he can’t receive glory if I handle it my own way. I have to vulnerable and let him teach me his ways so that he can be glorified.  I am trusting God that his glory is going to be revealed through this. I know that God is God and God is good no matter what our personal tragedies are. He is still good! Pslam 136:1 says Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever. 

God is Good!

So I feel like the Lord has been ringing symbols on my head over and over! When Collin was born and we began this journey one of the first things I asked was what will we say to people. And over the past 9 months I have said it all, "He was born that way", "That is just the way God made him", "His hands are just different", and as all of those words came out of my mouth they never set right in my heart. They made me want to cringe. I have even tried to convince myself that "Oh his hands are wonderful just the way they are because thats how God created them". Over and over this made me uncomfortable. Most people in the world of children with differences, syndromes, and disabilities use these terms often. They seem like the logical thing to say to your child and to explain to all the curious questions you receive. And for nine months I have really never known why this perspective made me so uncomfortable until this past week. I have shared several conversations with different friends and realized that the reason these responses make me feel that way is because they do not line up with the character of God. Honestly for Collin's situation this is not even truth. Truth is that God created him perfect and whole inside and out and because of a medical syndrome bands caused restrictions of growth and scarring on his hands. I don't want him to view God as the one who did this to him. As his mother I plee my heart out to the Lord for his salvation. As I am teaching him about God and the love God has for Collin I am off setting that with a very contradicting view point which is "God did this to you", "God made you this way". Personally that is not what I believe. I believe it grieves God's heart that he will ever experiece pain. I believe is grieves God's heart that it would ever hurt or be made fun of because of the his hands. It is because of the fall of the world that disease, disabilities, and syndromes have entered the world not because our God wanted it that way. So instead of making the explanations to him and others a spiritual thing, I'm just going to focus on what medically happened. I will tell him that he is "fearfully and wonderfully made..." because he is. God created him whole and I know he is more concerned with his spiritual wholeness than his physical wholeness (not to say he isn't concerned about his physical wholeness). I don't want Collin to ever feel like this is God's fault, God did this to me, I want Collin to know that God saved his life. As he gets older and matures that is what I am going to focus on. I am going to teach him to Praise God that I went into labor two weeks early because most likely had he gone full term he would have lost one of his hands and his middle finger. (due to the bands being so tight around his wrist). Most importantly I am going to teach him that God loved him so much that he saved Collin's life. It is very common that ABS kills babies in utero because the bands get tangled around their neck or stomach. If you remember the last 2 months of my pregnancy Collin was doing sumersaults. My OB said that he had never seen a baby turn so many times so late in the pregnancy. Every sonogram we went in for he had turned another way. I can remember laying my hands on my stomach and praying he would turn head down. I had friends praying over me that he would turn head down. Whether it is true or not, I can invision the Lord turning Collin around and around to get him untangled from the bands. That is the love of God. That is what Collin needs to know about God. That he loves him, that he saved his hand, and bigger than that, he saved his life! Satan would love nothing more than for him to get his foot into the situation. To manipulate Collin to be angry with God and feel like it's God's fault. Well we will not even give him the oppurtunity. I will not say "that is just the way God made you", because that is not true. God made him perfect and whole and saved his life from a syndrome that could have killed him. So when he is older and looks down at the scars from the bands, I want him to know those are the battle wounds. We can look at that and praise God for saving him. For twisting and turning him inside the womb to protect from getting tangled. Now that perspective lines up with the character of God. That perspective doesn't make me want to cringe inside. I feel like God has really shown me through his word and the Holy Spirit the way to handle this. Not to say that I won't still have bad days dealing with it, but I feel impowered. I always believed that God would recieve the glory through these circumstances but I didn't really understand how that would happen. I still don't completely understand but I have a glimpse and that starts with teaching Collin, our friends and family, and some of the random curious people (who tend to drive me crazy), what the truth is. What an amazing oppurtunity to share the love of Christ with people. When they ask it opens the door of communication to share that when he was in utero he had a rare syndrome but God saved his life. I can't promise that that will always be my response because sometimes I still want to say something more along the lines of "He is missing part of his fingers just like you are obviouly missing part of your brain!". (I am aware this is not a very Christlike reaction) I pray that the Lord would continue to refine me and stretch me and I'm sure as he does I will grow more maturely in my outlook and how I respond. But the bottom line is that yes that might be how I am feeling, and YES, I have reason to feel this way, but I am held to God's standards which means I need to respond in the way that brings him glory, and teaches Collin truth about why he is the way he is! For now this is how I feel, but as I grow closer in my walk with God I know he could teach me more and show me his ways more intimately so as God teaches me I could change. None of this is to say that I have all the answers or people should agree with me its just to say this is what I feel like the Lord has shown me about my child and our circumstances! God is love and God is good and I don't think its some sick twisted version of good, I believe HE IS REALLY GOOD!

"It's not that bad..."

"It's not that bad...", is that supposed to make me feel better? Of course I know the answer to that. This isn't a post to make anyone feel bad I just need to vent. I know good and well that everyone who has said this to me or Chris has meant it with the best of intentions but I have to be honest and say I HATE THIS PHRASE! It's kinda like when someone you love dies and everyone says "Well at least they are in a better place". That doesn't make you feel better because you want them here with you. That is how I feel about the saying "It's not that bad..." I know that it's not that bad compared to children with missing fingers or limbs or terrible diseases and believe me I'm so thankful for that. But it is that bad compared to children with perfectly normal hands who will never have to deal with the challenges of being a child with hand differences. When people tell me "It's not that bad..." I want to yell from the top of my lungs "HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU OR YOUR CHILD'S HANDS LOOKED THAT WAY?" It frustrated me because I don't want Collin's  ABS to be minimized. I understand why people say this. I would probably say the same thing if the tables were turned. People don't know what to say. I just hate it, you know? As a mother you feel like you should fix everything for your child. You meet every need they have. You bathe them, feed them, comfort them, and try your best to make their life as meaningful as possible. I feel guilty because I can't fix this for him. I can't protect him from every kid who will make fun of him. I can't take away every doctor's appointment the future holds. I just wish I could fix his hands. He is my precious baby boy and he deserves his hands to look as normal as possible. As a mother it kills me that I can't do this for him. To everyone who has said "It's not that bad.." please don't feel bad. I know that each and everyone of you loves us and means to be encouraging. But I think it would feel better if someone just said "This really sucks, I'm sorry!" I'm sure I will get better with dealing with the response of others but for today I just needed to vent.

Settling In

We brought our precious Collin home last Wednesday afternoon and have been settling in over the past several days. I have to start off by saying thank you so much for all the prayers and words of encouragement we have received. They have carried us through this past week. We are so blessed with amazing friends and family. Like Nana said in the previous post, God was so faithful and Collin had turned head down by the time we got to the hospital. I was able to have a VBAC which was a huge answer to prayer. Nothing could have been sweeter than those first moments they laid him on my chest. It was only for a minute or two but it was a precious time. Unfortunately the next 30 minutes of his sweet life were much harder to swallow for Chris and I. As my Dr. tried to explain to us what had happened to my baby boy, as they handed him back to me and for the first time I saw his hands my heart shattered in pieces. You never expect something to be wrong with your child. And if there is something, you expect them to find it before they are born. Those moments were not so sweet as I tried to some how comprehend what they were telling us. I instantly went into protective mode. I didn't want anyone to see or know. Not because I was embarrassed, but because I didn't want him to be gawked at. So we waited to announce his arrival to all the family and friends that had been waiting in the waiting room. And we just took a few moments to grieve for our precious baby's hands that were permanently deformed. I don't know that a heart can ever hurt as much as when it aches for your child. My heart hurt so bad that night as I thought about my baby's hands. My heart still aches and I still have my moments but God has given Chris and I a unexplainable peace. We are so thankful that Collin didn't loose any fingers or limbs from his ABS. We are hopeful for what might be able to be done to improve the function and look of his hands. We are praising God for we know that he has great plans for Collin. And we know that he will be glorified through Cupcake's life. I don't know how I feel about it today. I started to fill out his baby book and there was place for his hand prints. My eyes just filled up with tears and I shut the book. When I take pictures I catch myself covering up his hands. I just want people to see his precious face not his hands. I just take it day by day and continue to praise God for his truths. His word says that Collin is Fearfully and Wonderfully made and I will praise God for that.

Our wonderful pediatrician, Dr. Reese, got Collin into Scottish Rites Hospital on June 9. This is such a blessing considering we didn't even know if we would be accepted and if we were, when. I look forward to hearing what the hand specialist has to say. ABS is such a rare condition that no one has really been able to give us much insight.

In spite of all of that we have had a wonderful week at home. Carter is doing great and is loving having his Daddy home everyday. He doesn't show too much interest in Collin but he loves him to pieces. He likes to bring him his toys and give him lots of kisses. I am loving having another newborn in my arms. This is one of the sweetest times in life to me. I just try to soak in every moment because it goes by so fast.

My mom was able to make it in on Friday night to see Collin. She had been in Canada with my grandmother when I went into labor. Collin and Cupcake were glad to see their Mimi. It was wonderful to have her here and I look forward to her coming back this weekend. She will be here for a week to help me once Chris goes back to work.

So we are keeping our head up and trying to get lots of rest. Our family has grown and our hearts have, too. Cupcake is precious and we are praising God that he is here.

Cupcake has arrived!

This posting is submitted by Nana...

Collin made his debut Monday, May 11, 2009 at 8:13 pm. He weighs 7 pounds

2 ounces and is 20-3/4 inches long (a full pound bigger than Carter was).

I think he looks a lot like Carter, but his mommy thinks he looks a lot like Collin. Natalie was able to have him naturally which really pleased her. They weren't sure up to the very last moment if this would be possible as Collin kept turning and turning and turning.

I have a ton of pictures on my camera, but, unfortunately I can't find the cord to transfer them to the computer. Argh. Should have something up tomorrow (which means I'm buying a cord tonight).

My newest grandbaby is perfect...Well, perfect in his Maker's eyes. Collin was born with Amniotic Band Syndrome (wait to "Google" it until I'm finished) affecting both his hands.

Here's a description I found of what Cupcake suffers from:

The ABS occurs due to a partial rupture of the amniotic sac. This rupture involves only the amnion; the chorion remains intact. Fibrous bands of the ruptured amnion float in the amniotic fluid and can encircle and trap some part of the fetus. Later, as the fetus grows but the bands do not, the bands become constricting. This constriction reduces blood circulation, hence causes congenital abnormalities. In some cases a complete "natural" amputation of a digit(s) or limb may occur before birth or the digit(s) or limbs may be necrotic (dead) and require surgical amputation following birth.

In plain English, two of Collin's fingers (one on each hand) didn't fully develop due to this syndrome. The doctors have assured Chris and Natalie that Collin will be able to do everything just like Carter and Collin won't ever know the difference. Dr. Madden even dropped by to speak with them (he had this same syndrome which affected one hand and one foot) and had many encouraging words. Dr. Reese said she would file a referral to the Scottish Rite Hospital in Dallas - a world renowned facility for hand/feet indifferences.

As a grandparent I grieve for those missing parts, I grieve knowing some little kid will one day make fun of him, I grieve for all the "well meaning" responses/stares he'll receive, I grieve for the thought that Collin would have to struggle for one second, and as a grandparent, it breaks my heart.

As a believer, though, I know that God doesn't make one single mistake. He made Collin exactly how He wanted Collin to be made. And I praise Him for this! I know that many lessons will be learned and many hearts changed because of Collin. Ironically, Psalm 139:14 is painted over Collin's crib "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Natalie picked this scripture for this sweet baby, not knowing what was in store for him - - God knew... and now each time he is placed in his crib, ALL will be reminded that Collin is fearfully and wonderfully made.

Thank you all for your prayers and please continue to keep my sweet babies in them.

Love,

Nana (aka Granna)

Has it really been FIVE YEARS?

I can't believe that it has been five years today since my Dad died. In one way it feels like its been forever ago and in another sense its seems like just yesterday. So much has happened in my life the past five years. I have gotten married, had a baby, another on the way. And its sad to know that he hasn't been there for any of it. As rocky as the relationship and the chaos of life's circumstances were he was still my Daddy and I was always his baby girl. His Nat-Nat. I am so thankful that I had the time I did with him before he died. Time for healing and time for laughing. Time to be a family and time to grieve. As much as I miss his positive outlook on life I would never want him back the way he was. So sad, so depressed, sooo sick. He received the ultimate healing. This day five years ago God took him home. As much peace that I have felt over his death it is still sad that he isn't here. I always think about how my kids will never know there Granddaddy. Sometimes when he is really on my heart I can hear him. He would have called Snickers Hausy or Sporty. He called all the boys that. And know matter what told me "It will all be OK!" But I know one day we will spend eternity together and I look forward to that day.