Calling me out of Comfort!

Last Monday I received an email from the director of our MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group. Every year the last meeting of the year is called Tea and Testimony. (which I'm not sure why since we don't serve tea :) It's a time where a few of the moms share what MOPS has meant to them or what God has been doing in their lives the last year. My first year in MOPS was the year that Hub's and I had such breakthrough in our marriage and in our personal relationships with Christ. I was ask to speak about what an amazing work God had done in our marriage and I was happy to do so. This year I was asked to speak again but not on something I ever wanted to talk about publicly. I was asked to talk about the journey I have been on with Collin. I told our director that I didn't feel like I was ready to do that because I still have a hard time with it most of the time. She said she understood but thought it would be great if I would share. I put it off and didn't really give her an answer. I got really distracted last week with a bunch of stuff going on so I had pushed it to the back of my mind. As much as I tried to ignore the request that had been made God did not. I felt like he was really calling me to speak. More for myself than for anyone else. I have had so much anxiety over other people's reactions to Collin's hands. It it something that I have never felt before but it has been really difficult for me and the thought of publicly bringing attention to Collin's syndrome was frightening to me.  I knew that God was telling me this was the first step in overcoming this anxiety but I would have preferred to sit at my table and hear everyone else speak. Most of the women within my own table didn't even know about Collin's hands. I was obedient to what the Lord had told me and through tears, fear, and anxiety I told my story about Collin's birth! It's really long so it won't offend me if you don't want to read it. I just wanted it to be on the blog so as people who don't know about Collin read they might have a better understanding to what the journey has been like for me!

            At the end of MOPS last year I was 9 months pregnant with my second son Collin. I had been having a completely healthy normal pregnancy and we were excited for baby number 2. With Carter I had to have a C-section and it was not the best experience. I was so drugged that I don’t even remember seeing him so it felt as if everyone else got to see him first. This go round our doctor was confident that I would be able to attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). We prayed that everything would work out so that I would be able to have the delivery I so hoped for. Around 33 weeks we found out that Collin was transverse (meaning laying sideways). At the following appointments Collin continued to shock our Dr with all his turning so late on in the pregnancy. He went form transverse, to breech, to head down, to breech again within weeks. I was so disappointed because I knew that this would mean we would have to do another c-section. My girlfriends and I continued to pray that Collin would turn head down by delivery.

         Mother’s day weekend I began having contractions. It was hard for me to believe that is was really labor because it was still 2 1/2 weeks before my due date, After 2 days of having on and off contractions things finally picked up and we went to the hospital at 2am. On the drive there I was sure that I would have to have a c-section and I was not very happy about it. The nurse came in to check me and said “Mam, I think we have a head down here.” After doing an ultrasound to confirm it, sure enough Collin had turned again and he was head down and ready to go. We were so grateful for this answered prayer.  After 20 hours of labor it was finally time to push. My epidural had worn off but through the pain I was still so excited to hold my sweet baby boy.

         With only a few pushes there he was laying on my chest. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I felt his warm breath against my skin. It was precious, sweet, and will always be etched on my heart. Within seconds they took him to the isolate to clean him up. My husband and I shared a moment of grins, kisses, and tears and we soaked in the joy of bringing our son into the world. Several minutes went by and I started to notice all the nurses migrate to Collin's side. I just assumed this was the norm since I had never had a vaginal delivery before. My OB finished up with me and he too joined the others at Collin's side.

         I waited anxiously for him to be placed in my arms. My OB was holding Collin and began to walk toward me with a blank stare that looked like a mixture of sadness and shock. Not how you would expect your Dr. to look as he brings you your brand new baby. He began to tell me that something was wrong with Collin's hands. Everything that came out of his mouth from that point forward sounded like a foreign language. At one point I cut him off mid sentence and said “Would you please just give me my baby!” That was the first time I saw Collin's hands. I felt like someone shattered my heart like a piece of glass and all the oxygen was being sucked from my lungs. I remember asking the DR. “Is this permanent?” I was in such shock that I couldn’t begin to process what had just happened!

         Collin was born with Amniotic Band Syndrome. What the heck is that, right? That is exactly what I thought! ABS is when the lining of the amniotic sack ruptures causing fibrous strands to float around the baby. Collin's hands got tangled within those strands causing 2 fingers to be underdeveloped and scarring on the other fingers and his wrist from the ABS. In English, it is as if rubber bands get tied around the limbs and digits.

         I laid there in shock and devastation. I remember holding Collin as close to me as possible and sobbing uncontrollably as a room full of nurses and doctors became the spectators of my grief. You never expect something to be wrong with your child. And if there is something, you expect them to find it before they are born. Those moments were not so sweet as I tried to some how comprehend what they had told us. I instantly went into Mama Bear or protective mode. I didn't want anyone to see or know. Not because I was embarrassed, but because I didn't want him to be gawked at. I wanted his birth to be a time of celebration not a Q&A panel or an opportunity to check out his hands. I wanted everyone to see his precious face. So we waited to announce his arrival to all the family and friends that had been waiting in the waiting room. And we just took a few moments to grieve for our precious baby's hands that were permanently deformed. I don't know that a heart can ever hurt as much as when it aches for your child. My heart hurt so bad that night as I thought about my baby's hands. I grieved for those missing parts, I grieved knowing some little kid would one day make fun of him, I grieve for all the "well meaning" responses/stares he would receive, I grieve for the thought that Collin would have to struggle for one second, and as a Mother, it broke my heart.

         I heard the lullaby go off in the hall signally that Collin had been born. I knew we had friends and family in the waiting room anxious to meet him. Before I knew it my room had filled with our friends and family. My face was covered with mascara, I was exhausted, and in shock. I simply said “There is something wrong with Collin's hands and we are not going to make a deal of it!”

         After everyone left that night sadness overwhelmed me. I felt like I had been dropped off on a strange planet. I was scared, confused, and felt the quilt of having a child with a physical difference. I had a nursery nurse bring Collin in to feed and she said, “Did you see his hands? Are they going to amputate his finger?” I remember starring at her in utter disbelief. Of course I have seen them, he is my baby. The insensitivity fueled all my emotions. The days to follow weren’t any better as we planned Collin's appointment to Scottish Rites Children’s Hospital and dealt with trying to explain to everyone that came to visit us what had happened. I was sad, extra sensitive, angry, confused, and really pissy for the next couple weeks. I was mad because I wanted to enjoy my newborn not plan his trip to a childrens hospital in Dallas and spend my energy trying to come to grips with what had happened.  

         But as my head began to clear from the fog and the hormones ;) , I began to realize that God had not left me alone in that delivery room. He had not abandoned me, he had not forgot about my child in the womb, he had saved my son’s life. God promises in John 1:5 As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

         ABS is fatal is great percentage of babies that are affected by it because they can get these bands tangled around there heads or stomach. Many children loose legs and arms. Others it caused clubfeet or cleft pallete. Remember those summersaults Collin was doing the last weeks of my pregnancy? God gave me an image of his hands twisting and turning Collin out of the bands the last weeks of my pregnancy to untangle him from the bands that could have killed him. Our pediatrician also informed us that had I carried Collin to my due date not only would she have been out of town but most likely Collin would have lost his left hand due to the bands being so restricted on his wrist. Weeks before, I had picked Psalm 139:14 to be painted over Collin's  bed. It says I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I picked this before I knew what was in store for Collin, but God knew. These things were not coincidence. These things were the hand of God. I could not see all of this in the midst of my tragedy and heartache but God’s hand was moving even when I didn’t see it.

         I’m not quite sure how God is going to get the glory through our journey with Collin but I believe he will. In John 9 chapter 1 Jesus is talking about a blind man. The disciples asked Jesus “Rabbi”, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.

         I still have really hard days dealing with it all. I remember filling out his baby book and seeing a place for his hand prints. I just closed the book and fell to pieces. That day was hard but now Collin's sweet hand prints are in his baby book and it doesn’t make me quite so sad. The hardest part has been the anxiety I feel over other people’s reactions and comments. I am seeking the Lord in all these situations. Like when the checker at HEB shouts “OMG what happened to his hands?” and continues to say poor thing he won’t be able to play an instrument”I wanted to scream “he is missing part of his fingers just like you are obviously missing part of your brian!”  (I didn’t say that and I am aware that that isn’t a very Christlike response, that’s just how I felt!) and then the nosy mother/daughter duo behind me who peak their heads around to see for themselves. I rush to my car just in time to fall apart in the front seat before anyone sees me! These days are the hard days and I am trusting in the Lord to equip me to handle these situations in a way that brings him glory and teaches Collin that it IS ok. And I will have new struggles to deal with as we prepare for Collin's surgeries this fall and more in the years to come. I don’t’ really know how to prepare emotionally to hand my one year old over for surgery. This is another on of those hard things that I will have to walk out.

        

I have struggled with quilt, with anxiety, with fear, with sadness, and I am not out of the trenches yet. And for a season I think I didn’t talk about with the Lord because I didn’t want him to tell me how to deal with it. I wanted to deal with it however I wanted too. But he can’t receive glory if I handle it my own way. I have to vulnerable and let him teach me his ways so that he can be glorified.  I am trusting God that his glory is going to be revealed through this. I know that God is God and God is good no matter what our personal tragedies are. He is still good! Pslam 136:1 says Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.